Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.