I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
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Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
a badder mouse
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.