I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
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Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
A decision was made here.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”