Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”

So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”

Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?

3 yo: No, thanks.

🤦🏻‍♀️

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize