I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
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In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Me irl
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*