Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.