I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
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[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
me irl
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.