How and why my FUR ROOM exists
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An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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