Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone