Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

*me flirting

Don’t we all.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

My new favorite headline

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.