Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

hello pervert is such a strong opener

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.