I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

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ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David


Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true


[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!


Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”


Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you’re on Twitter and don’t even read books.


my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it


Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.


I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit