I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I think they could have phrased this better
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Was it something I said?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.