I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
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I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
being a writer on Twitter:
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
the composer
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.