Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?