I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
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dutch is not a serious language
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.