I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
What if all the cashiers are married?
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.