Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

It kinda feels like this rn

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me