Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

😭

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done