Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”