I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
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When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business