I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
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ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
RT if you could go either way.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.