Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.