Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

Legend 🤣🤣

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.