I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
You Might Also Like
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it