I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
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Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.