Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people