Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
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We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
rapatouille
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.