Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident