@djdarrellripley

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

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@junejuly12

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

@Cheles_G

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

@UnicornSyrup

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

@karanbirtinna

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

@panmidwest

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

@Bexdora

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

@NewDadNotes

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

@EndhooS

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.