I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
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[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Are you ok, human???
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.