I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
You Might Also Like
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.