Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

🐦

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.