Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.