I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
You Might Also Like
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.