I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
my astrological sign is a french fry
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.