Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..