I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.