Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

We found love in a hopeless place.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

#gardening

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.