Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

I love it

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

How to make infinite energy.

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once