I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
You Might Also Like
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.