I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Worlds greatest photobomb
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet