I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
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“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO