i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
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I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*