Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

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Try Facebook.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.