I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
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Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.