I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
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I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney