Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.