I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
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Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?