I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
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Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
crazy
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.