I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
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*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
We will use anything but the metric system
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.