I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
☠️☠️☠️
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I’m confused about plants
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Note to self: always read the final line
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.