I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
You Might Also Like
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.