I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
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*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.