I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.