Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

I’m not lazy

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?