Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

👀

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.