I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.