I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Finally
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.