I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
sigh
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen