I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
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I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
