I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
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[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
“Wait, let me explain..”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.