I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
The smoothest fall of all time
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
