I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
You Might Also Like
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
wishing you and yours all the best
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys