I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
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boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
crazy
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.