I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
(yawn)
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday