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Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
No, I don’t think I will.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus