I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
How does one answer this?
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Saturday
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
#winning
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
japanese corn
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
