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[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The Punning Dead.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell