I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely