Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.