Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.