I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
he chose this
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream